"Violent communication" refers to excessive criticism and judgment towards others or oneself, for example:

  • Partner: “Are you throwing a tantrum again?”
  • Family: “Look at how well that other kid is studying! You’re always just playing around!”
  • Friend: “You’re always with them! Guess I’m not considered a friend anymore!”

Nonviolent Communication aims to build connections and understanding through:

  1. Self-reflection before communication: Understand your own emotions and feelings.

  2. Inviting open communication: When ready, invite the other person to communicate. The goal is connection, not to lecture. Regardless of the outcome, maintain an open attitude and respect the other person’s freedom to disagree or refuse.

Nonviolent Communication Steps:

  1. Observe and State Facts
  2. “You’re always with them!” vs “You’ve had meals with them four days this week.”

Express Your Feelings

When communicating, focus on expressing your feelings, not your thoughts.

For example: Instead of saying, “You don’t consider me a friend anymore,” say, “You’ve been less available to have meals with me, and I feel very lonely.”

A. Thought: “I think I’m doing a bad job.”

Feeling: “I’m afraid I’m not doing well and I feel anxious.”

B. Thought: “I think you’re being unfair to me.”

Feeling: “I feel very disappointed by this.”

C. Thought: “I think they are more important to you than I am.”

Feeling: “I feel very lonely.”

Feeling lonely might
indicate a need for companionship.
Feeling frustrated (impatience)
might mean a need for more personal space.
Feeling anxious
might suggest a need for security or self-confidence.

Expressing Needs and Reasons

For example:

I feel unhappy"
because I value you a lot (reason).
I also want you to spend some time with me (need: companionship).

Making Specific and Practical Requests

For example:

“I hope we can have dinner together at least twice a week.”

“I hope I can join you all for meals sometimes.”